One of the good things about The Plague is being able to stay in bed without feeling guilty.
Today, I awoke mid-morning and stayed in bed. I read a bit at first, but then put the book down and stared at the ceiling. The more I stared, the deeper and deeper I went inside my head.
Holy Cranium! I have a lot of room inside my head. Is it as endless as outer space? It seemed so. No matter how much I have happening inside my head, there is always room for more.
I stopped and chatted with the voices in my head. They told me a joke. Actually, they showed me a scene from The Creature From the Black Lagoon and told me a caption.
The voices laughed, but I did not find it funny enough to laugh the way they were laughing. Were the voices having an off-humor day? Not in their minds, but I thought so.
“No,” said the voices, “we are not having an off-humor day.”
I forgot that they knew my thoughts.
The voices faded, and I walked on in the emptiness.
I thought about my father. This August will be 15 years since he died. And then there he was walking towards me.
I was a little boy again.
“I’m sorry, son, I’m so sorry.”
“I’m sorry for criticizing you so much. I should have praised you and encouraged you instead of putting you down. I thought the world of you, but I was uncomfortable expressing my feelings. I told you how much I loved you in a dysfunctional way through teasing you and criticizing you. I never realized the damage I caused to your self-esteem. I’m so sorry.”
“That’s okay, Daddy. I know you were doing your best and never meant any harm.”
And then he hugged me, and we cried a bit. It was the first time that my father hugged me. When I was a kid, he used to pick me up and swing me around when I ran to meet him coming from work. But his hug then was more to accommodate swinging me around then it was to express feelings. He never allowed me to hug him when I was older. He would push me away if I tried. But here he was hugging me, and showing how much he loved me. It felt good . . .
My father was gone. I was big again and standing in total darkness.
Where was this in my head? The dark side of my personality? My subconscious? Was I lost in dark matter? Where was I?
I was not afraid. I felt safe. I was just puzzled as to where I was. I did not know, and I still do not know.
At some point, the darkness disappeared and I was staring at the ceiling again. I looked at the clock. It was late afternoon! Wow! What happened to the time?
Oh well, what joy to have spent all day in bed in my head!