There is something about the night, the darkness that fuels fear and anxiety leading to panic attacks. Fear and anxiety during the day get washed away by sunlight. The darkness, the unknown, promotes panic.
I thought I was okay with being alone. I thought I was okay with death. The panic attacks show otherwise. Panicky thoughts overflow:
“I’m going to die!”
“I’m going to die alone!”
The fear of being alone has nothing to do with not having a partner. It is an Existential Loneliness. I feel isolated from my fellow human beings.
The fear of death is the fear of death. I never realized how afraid of was of dying. Have I been fooling myself all this time?
The fear and anxiety explain the lack of blog entries in the past few weeks. I could not focus on writing and other things. I was scared. I was scared. I was scared.
I took deep breaths to slow down the panic attacks. This worked okay during the day when the sun could shine the fear and anxiety away. But it was harder to remain calm at night when there was no sun. I found myself thinking, “Come Daylight. Come. Come quickly.”