
“I used to be a blank piece of paper until some funny bone guy thought he could draw.”
I used to be a racist, but runner’s knee stopped me.
I used to be a conspiracy theorist, but the CIA and aliens held me down while Elvis Presley washed my brain.
I used to be a writer, but I fell down the stairs. Now I’m a lefter.
I used to be rich, but the dog ate my bank accounts.
I used to be a surrealist, but the blue sky moved into my kitchen sink causing my clocks to melt.
I used to be a cannibal, but people made me sick.
I used to be smart, but then I got a TV.
I used to be a vegetarian until some crazy carrots beat me up.
I used to play tennis, but I got older. Now I play ninenis.
I used to smoke marijuana, but I can’t remember why I stopped.
I used to be schizophrenic, but the voices made me stop.
I used to play baseball until I went batty.
I used to be funny, but . . .
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