I used to be a racist, but runner’s knee stopped me.

 

I used to be a conspiracy theorist, but the CIA and aliens held me down while Elvis Presley washed my brain.

 

I used to be a writer, but I fell down the stairs.  Now I’m a lefter.

 

I used to be rich, but the dog ate my bank accounts.

 

I used to be a surrealist, but the blue sky moved into my kitchen sink causing my clocks to melt.

 

I used to be a cannibal, but people made me sick.

 

I used to be smart, but then I got a TV.

 

I used to be a vegetarian until some crazy carrots beat me up.

 

I used to play tennis, but I got older.  Now I play ninenis.

 

I used to smoke marijuana, but I can’t remember why I stopped.

 

I used to be schizophrenic, but the voices made me stop.

 

I used to play baseball until I went batty.

 

I used to be funny, but . . .

 

-267-