Top 13 Gifts NOT To Give Your Lover For Valentine’s Day


Here are the top 13 gifts NOT to give your lover for Valentine’s Day.  For a complete list, consult The Idiot’s Guide to Valentine’s Day, or The Valentine’s Day Guide to Idiots.

The top 13 gifts NOT to give your lover for Valentine’s Day:


13 – A not-so-circular Prohibition Sign with an X instead of a single line;


12 – A toaster;


11 – A nude suicide bomber wrapped in a gift box;


10 – A gift-wrapped box of stinky brown stuff;


9 – A sexually transmitted disease;


8 – A dozen bags of flour;


7 – Headlice;


6 – A snowball;


5 – A toaster;


4 – An AK47;


3 – A rudder with no boat;


2 – A skinless red balloon;


1 – A pain in the neck or any lower body part;


0 – A cooked human being — unless your lover is a cannibal;


– 1 – A fairy tale where no one lives happily ever after;

and finally,

The top gift of 13 NOT to give your lover for Valentine’s Day is a subscription to

“Wait a minute.  Hold your heart!  You titled this blog The Top 13 Gifts NOT to Give Your Lover  for Valentine’s Day, but you listed 16 gifts.”

True.  That is all the more reason NOT to give your lover a subscription to

“Why, because you can’t count?”

No, I can count.  But I do not count very well.

“You also repeat yourself.   You have a toaster at numbers 12 and 5.”

I do not count very well, but you can count on me to be forgetful.





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About the Author

I am Minnie and Chic's son.